6:00 a.m.: Wake up. Pee. Drink two cups of coffee. Pee. Drink a third cup of coffee. Pee. Drink Diet Coke. Leave for work.

8:30 a.m.: Arrive at office. Pee. Drink cup of tea. Pee. Drink bottle of Arrowhead water. Pee. Drink cup of Starbucks Via. Pee. Drink iced oolong tea. Pee.

12:30 p.m.: Eat nine Triscuits. Pee.

2:00 p.m.: Drink bottle of iced tea. Pee. Think about drinking more tea. Pee.

5:00 p.m.: Come home. Pee. Drink Diet Coke. Pee.

6:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.: Drink several more Diet Cokes. Pee several more times. Go to bed.

The author Tom Robbins once wrote that humans are merely a device invented by water for transporting itself from one place to another. I’m living proof that he was right.