I have a difficult time getting out the door on weekday mornings. This is largely because not only do I have to get myself ready, I have to get three kids ready, as well as prodding my husband to stop standing around watching TV and get in the shower already. (This last bit alone can take a half-hour.) As a result, I don’t spend a lot of time fussing around with clothes, hair or makeup. The hair gets a two-minute partial blow-dry, the clothes are basically whatever I grab without having to think hard, and the makeup is the bare minimum required to avoid frightening the public.

My office has Casual Fridays and I was anticipating a nasty morning of hauling about and prepping a huge water intrusion/mold allergy file, so I went comfortable and pulled on a pair of running pants. But when I turned and looked in the mirror — No. Oh no. There it was: camel toe.

As most women know all too well, and most men fail to understand, camel toe is not exclusively the result of wearing your clothes so damned tight that your labia are clearly outlined for the world’s perusal. No, certain pants are sewn and seamed in such a manner that they create the illusion of camel toe where none exists. This is completely unfair and should, probably, be made illegal and punishable by law.

Because there is nothing which will make you the object of scorn and derision in So Cal like sporting an obvious camel toe. Even if you are young and beauteous, folks will whisper behind their hands. If you are my age, people absolutely don’t want to think about your genitalia. They would react the same way they might to a middle-aged man sporting plumber’s crack in a restaurant.

There was nothing for it but that I scrap the pants in favor of a different pair with no artificial camel toe. I SO don’t have time for this in the mornings. But you know what? Artificial Camel Toe would TOTALLY be a great name for a rock band.