Subway’s “$5 Footlong” promotion is making my life a living hell. I try to really watch what I eat, because I want to stay in a size 4 as long as possible; I may be saggy and old, but I will be damned if I’m going to put on any more weight than I have done. I don’t carry weight gracefully; if I’m a size 6, I look dumpy. Damn my small frame.

I don’t take a lunch break at work, because when you’re self-employed, time really is money. What I do instead is stop and grab something on my way to pick up Sam from school, then eat it in the car while waiting for dismissal. (You have to get there early to get a parking spot that isn’t three blocks from the school.)

And there is a Subway on the route between the office and school. And, whereas I always used to get a 6-inch sub, now that they’ve got the $5 footlongs I figure Oh, that’s a much better deal. I can save half. But I don’t. Here I am alone in the car with a huge delicious sub, and I am starving, because I don’t eat breakfast and often don’t eat dinner. So there is nothing for it but to eat the whole damned thing. (This is partially why I don’t eat dinner, after consuming a 12″ sub at 2:30 p.m.)

So, you know, Subway, you can bite me. And up yours, Jared.