We had the most interesting visit to the local reptile zoo yesterday.

There is a giant O-shaped pond in the center of the store, which is populated by red-eared sliders [water turtles], large koi and catfish, and a giant monitor lizard. They sell cups of mealworms for the kids to feed to the turtles with long tweezers, and the boys were standing by the side of the pond feeding turtles when the monitor lizard, basking on the central island, decided to move. This fucker is 4-5 feet long. It looks like it could eat you; at the very least, it looked like it could eat Boolie.

The monitor leaped into the water, scaring the crap out of a number of the large fish, who startled and splashed a ton of water onto the bystanders — mostly, on Sam and me. Then it swam through the pond and started hauling itself over the wall of the pond and onto the store floor. Boolie was terrified and went to hide behind a display island. The lizard was really agitated. And kind of scary.

It landed on the floor of the store, took a huge runny dump right in the middle of the central area, and strode off to the back of the store. Ewww, it took a dump! I said, causing a group of nearby boys to titter. The store personnel didn’t notice, and I didn’t want someone to slip and fall in the shit and sue them [that’s us, always seeing the liability angle], so I went up and told the guy Your giant lizard took a big poop in the middle of the floor. He had to clean it up with paper towels. I suppose that’s a liability of being in the reptile business.

The boys are still talking about it. We’ve gone to the reptile zoo a number of times, but this is the only time we’ve encountered monitor lizard shit. And I don’t think it’s something they’ll forget very soon. Sam can’t wait to get to school and tell his friends about it tomorrow.