I’m Such A Fucking Hypocrite.
Like most people raised Catholic, I’m totally conflicted about religion. I’m a baptized, confirmed Catholic (my confirmation name is Cecilia! Little known fact!) who attended Catholic schools exclusively until university. Also like most Catholics, I rebelled against my faith, in spades. I explored everything: Wicca, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Reform Judaism. (Not Islam, but no offense meant there. Back when I was coming of age, there wasn’t the Islam stigma that Americans have these days.)
But I have to laugh like hell at myself, because you can take the girl out of the Catholic Church, but you can’t take the Catholic Church out of the girl. When I need the comfort of faith, I’m more Catholic than the freaking Pope. But I can’t believe in Catholicism. I’m sorry. I really tried, and I tried to believe in Catholic Lite (a.k.a. the Church of England, or probably Episcopal to you). (Did you know that “Episcopal” is an anagram for “Pepsi-Cola”?) I tried so hard, I had my husband and two sons baptized by the Anglicans. I mean the C. of E. I mean the Episcopalians. Whatever.
You know what, though? In my heart of hearts, I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel true to me, and I have a strong faith in my instincts, if not in my Church. I can’t say I’m an atheist; I would like to believe in something. Honestly, I wish it was so. But I don’t believe. Not really. Except when times get tough. I really envy people like my friend Lisa from Wisconsin, who is a sincere Catholic. To me, it usually feels like an artificial construct.
Recently on Facebook I mentioned that I was wearing my Miraculous Medal (a Virgin Mary relic, for the uninitiated) because of the dire state of my mom’s health. I have also been known to do such things as light candles in California missions for various dying parents (it appears I’m on my second). I also believe in rainbows and shooting stars as good omens.
Humans are still completely superstitious. We like to paint ourselves as sophisticated and enlightened, but we’re still really just reading omens and augurs and believing in invisible men in the sky. I wish it wasn’t true. Now, more than ever, I wish I really believed all the Catholic rituals which, strangely, comfort me so. I just wish I knew what I really believe versus what was ingrained in my brain when I was too young to know the difference.
7 comments
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Suzy says:
Gads, Gretchen, I think I know just what you mean. At some point as a young adult, I became an atheist–not an agnostic, but an atheist. But most other atheists are jackasses IMO, who go around trying to preach the bad news to the faithful. Not me. I wish I COULD believe. And sometimes, I almost DO believe anyway; maybe not in the religion that I was brought up in, but at least in the existence of an almighty God who hears my prayers. Because I’ve prayed lots of times. I do think as humans we are programmed with a need for the spiritual, and I am no different. And although when it comes right down to it, I am still an out-and-out atheist, I admit that I still believe in rainbows, and I wish on every shooting star I see.
Saturday, October 25, 2008 4:07 am
Eileen says:
Gretchen…while you don’t strike me as an Oprah fan, I would HIGHLY recommend that you head over to iTunes and do a search for Oprah’s Soul Series and listen to the two shows she did with Rev. Ed Bacon. He is an Episcopal priest (is that the right term) somewhere in California, and his explanation of God/Satan/Sin is the most logical I have ever heard…it’s not about converting an athiest or anything…it’s just a very cool way of stripping away the dogma and making the pieces make more sense.
And rainbows, shooting stars, things like that…I don’t think it’s hypocritical to “believe” in them. After all, they can be viewed as Evidence of that “something” that is “out there” running the show.
Saturday, October 25, 2008 6:36 am
Brian says:
I guess I am one of those jackasses Suzy says atheists are, but so be it. When things are hard, people DO want the comfort of being able to feel like something bigger is out there watching over us, because when we were children that was what our parents were for. And so a lot of people who really don’t have any truck with religion 99% of the time will let themselves reconnect with that inner child experience that 1% of the time. People who come from Catholic backgrounds have the added advantage of having lots of little rituals and symbols to engage with during those episodes.
I don’t know that I think it’s hypocritical, I just think that most people find it easy and comforting to regress back to the security of childhood when faced with difficult times. What’s discouraging is that there are so many people who run with that as their daily operating philosophy and use the crutch of religion for every aspect of their lives.
No matter how hard people want all that stuff to be true — rainbows and shooting stars and miracles and such — I think most people really do realize that it’s all a lot of made-up nonsense, and religion and spirituality boil down to how willing you are to admit it. Hang in there, and please accept my best wishes for your mother.
Saturday, October 25, 2008 8:42 am
Going Like Sixty says:
I’ve missed your comments on my blog, but understand why now.
I’m sorry about your Mother. Tough times for you and your family.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you.
Mark
Saturday, October 25, 2008 2:05 pm
Jennifer says:
Well hello there, from your favorite Episcopalian. (Wait…I AM your favorite Episcopalian, aren’t I? Husband and ninos notwithstanding, of course… Hmmm…)
Anyway. I am Episcopalian through and through, as was my mother and her mother and her mother. It’s in my DNA. And, well, you know my thoughts on God. There’s no magic man in the sky, for me. But I do think there is a universal spirit, I think of it as a wind, really, that blows through and in and among us. And I think that prayers spoken right into that wind end up blowing around a bit. It’s not magic, but, you know…good words, words of hope or words of healing, sent out into the world can’t do anything but good, the way I see it. I don’t know about medals and statues and such, but a pretty rainbow really can’t hurt anything, either.
You’re in my thoughts.
Sunday, October 26, 2008 3:08 pm
Caroline says:
Organized religion has done a great job of killing spirituality in many people. I think too often we’re afraid that if what we believe doesn’t fit into a neat little box of a profitable group’s dogma, it can’t be valid. I think that’s hogwash. Rituals are rituals, and whether you “pray” or “chant” or “send positive energy into the Universe” you are doing the same thing - which would be the latter of that list : )
Rituals are one part hope, two parts energy. Whatever ritual you perform in times of need to send your wish into the universe is the right one, be it Catholic-based or pagan.
And in that vein, I will be sending out some of those positive vibes to you and yours today.
Sunday, October 26, 2008 5:47 pm
Lisa says:
My heart skipped a beat when I saw my name. It makes me feel the true Catholic guilt that, though I am a Catholic through and through (my confirmation name is ‘Carol’
), I stopped going to church when Ben came along. Today is a Holy Day, and we don’t go to church on those anymore. Being a ‘true Catholic does have it’s merits, but loads of guilt is still one of the big drawbacks.
I wish you peace, Gretchen.
Saturday, November 1, 2008 6:52 pm