So my daughter is getting married this week. No, good Lord, not Julia — even Mormon fundamentalists don’t marry them off that young (although probably not for lack of inclination). I mean my oldest child, my daughter Erika, who is marrying her longtime boyfriend Joel.

Days gone by, it used to be incumbent upon the mother of the bride to have a talk with her before the wedding, to prepare her for the wedding night. Can you imagine how that must have gone down? Now honey, it’s going to be big and hairy and coming right at you. But he’s your husband. Try not to be too scared. Fortunately, such things are no longer required; but I feel it my responsibility to dispense some advice about marriage.

The best thing I can tell you is that there is no room in a marriage for deception; or I should say that once deception creeps in, there is all sorts of room, because it shoots your marriage full of holes. Always be honest with each other. That means accepting each other, warts and all. So don’t be hypercritical, either.

Don’t let arguments escalate. When things get too heated, walk away for a while — or grab him and hug him, or say something that will crack him up. And no fair, when angry, storming out of the house and taking off for God knows where and refusing to answer your cellphone. Walk away from him, but don’t ever deliberately make him wonder and worry where you are.

Be faithful to him. Protect him. Support him. Men don’t think the way we do, and just when he’s being completely impossible and thick-skulled it will transpire that it’s just him acting like a man. Try to forgive him for all that. Boys are different. (Whee, now we’re back to the rudimentary sex talk!)

If you want him to be a good husband, be a good wife. Remember that he adores you. And anytime you start thinking about making me a grandmother, come over to our house and hang out with our kids — which should dispel that notion right quick.

And Erika? You are a good, strong, smart woman, and I am insanely proud of you, and I love you more than the moon and stars. I hope you knew all that.